You who were sent to me

So after continually feeling like I was not good enough these past few weeks, I felt my self esteem deteriorating and slowly going down into the drain. I am in disbelief with regards to all that has happened lately and there are times I wished that a big hole will appear in front of me so I can jump in and hide from embarrassment forever.

Last night and today’s episode were the last straw. I felt so depressed about this whole entire situation that I have lost my appetite to eat and motivation to do anything. I don’t recall feeling so depressed like this, except for when I was 17 years old. I can still remember clearly how lousy I felt and how I hated everything and just wanted to end everything. The thought of sliding that sharp knife onto my wrist was constantly in my head and I did start…..but thankfully I managed to stop myself from going any further.

Back then I was a teenager and perhaps that was why I was not able to fully control my emotions. And yet, now as an adult in the 30s, I have these same thoughts again. The thought of wanting to just drop everything and leave so I can start afresh.

I don’t think anyone who have never experience depression will ever understand all the thoughts running around in the head. I pat myself on the back for having come a long way, yet it is so easy to fall back into it and resigned to helplessness.

I, once again, see no light at the end of this tunnel. My reflection in the mirror could not longer smile back at me and I will start to cry whenever I feel like no one really cares.

Yesterday I was surprised to find Snowy lingering around the house. She usually only stops by in the morning for food and yet she was around me yesterday, right when I felt like crying.

She did not even do anything, she just hung around me, and that few precious minutes of being near me, she had successfully comforted me.

Today’s episode left me feeling dejected and worthless again. As I was leaving the house in the afternoon, this stray cat came to me. It meowed at me and I saw a tear dropped from her eyes. I thought that she may have injured her eyes but after inspecting her, her eyes were perfectly all right.

It was simply staring at me and even though I knew I was running late for my session, I felt compelled to stay with this cat for a while.

For making me feel loved when I am depress, thank you. Humans don’t pay attention, yet cats can sense and feel. They are far more superior than us humans.

This comforting rub against my feet was all I needed to feel loved once again. Thank you, because now I truly believed that these little 4 legged furry friends were sent to me for a reason.

I will be ok but in the meantime, please throw only kind words to me. I am constantly working hard to chase happiness too.