When change happens..


Keep your house clean like you are expecting guests and keep your heart pure like you are expecting death. 

I have been spending the past few weeks spring cleaning and getting rid of things that I do not need anymore. I read somewhere that living in a clutter free environment promotes clarity in thinking and calmness. I think I desperately need that so I wanted to slowly clear out all the things that I have accumulated throughout the years.

It is interesting to reflect back on our thought process back then. I went through every item and ask myself questions like, “Do I need this now?” and “Will I need this in the near future?” Most of the time, my sentimental self would say yes, I need the stuffs for future use. However, for most of the items, many years have passed and those ‘stuffs’ still remained at the same places and only contributed in collecting dust.

Perhaps the past me did not anticipate changes. I mean, who would? Anything can change in a blink of an eye. The things that I held so dearly back then, holds little or no importance to me now. New things will be always be around. Changes in my home environment happened when I grew and mature.

2 weeks ago, I was informed of a piece of heartbreaking news. It shocked me so much that I lost sleep because of it. I could not believe the drastic reality that I had to accept so suddenly. While I was spring cleaning, I came across many memories of the subject of this heartbreaking news and contemplated whether or not I wanted to keep it. A part of me finds it hard to let go. I wanted to throw everything with regards to this subject away but that also meant throwing away all the good memories we had. It was an internal struggle so I sat down and truly think through of what I wanted of my future.

In the end I decided to throw it out, packed some things to be given away. I shall keep the happy memories in my heart, but my disappointment, I wish I could get rid of it as easily as I got rid of the stuff.

I had to keep reminding myself, things change, people change. I wanted to keep my house clean and only store things that makes me smile. I also wanted to keep my heart and intentions pure, because death, as I learnt, can come anytime to anyone.

I still remember how different things were 3 years ago. I would never have imagined going through all the things I went through these 2 years. Grieving the loss of a close friend, being in extreme pain, losing faith, struggling to get back up again, losing trust in a dear friend……..so many unexpected incidences that has somehow changed me as a person.

Thus, while I was doing the spring cleaning, I only wanted to keep the things that will help others remember me as a blessing in their lives. Keep it clean and neat so that in case I am chosen to leave this world earlier than everyone, others will not have a hard time cleaning up. It is a scary world of multiple possibilities. I would like to hope for the best, yet I also wanted to be prepared for the worst.

If only cleansing my heart was as easy, but such is life. It is a test. Who told us life would be easy anyway? It was not, it is not and it will not.

I live everyday in fear of missing a prayer, in fear of hurting someone without knowing and in fear of doing something wrong without realising. I fear that this fear may be forgotten and I may turn ignorant again.

May Allah swt ease all our affairs in this dunya and grant us a place in His Jannah in the Hereafter insyaAllah.