Understand how to understand.
But luxury has never appealed to me. I like simple things. Books, being alone in solitude, having the freedom to do what I love and being with someone who understands.
I was having such a difficult time last weekend and due to the complexity and confidentiality of the issue, I was not able to tell anyone apart from my bestie. I remember being in grief after the passing of my partner at work just half a year ago. I am one who is seldom sad yet when I am, I am unable to express it to anyone because most people do not know what to do. Thus, I only cry when I am alone in my room.
I also clearly remembered fellow colleagues and friends who were clueless on what to do and the only thing they did was to look sorry. Others kept asking if I was ok, but how do I tell them that I was not? I think that was the first time I broke down at work.
Some came forward to give me a hug and at that point of time, that was exactly what I needed. I did not need solutions. I needed someone to listen and understand.
To save anyone from feeling awkward, I promised myself to never show anyone that I am sad, regardless of how hurt I was. I have given up trying to explain things from my perspective but no one wants to listen or even try to understand. Thus, I chose to stay silent.
It never occurred to me that it was difficult to find someone who understands. I am blessed enough to have a best friend since I was 18 who knows almost everything about me. It was easy. However, now that she will be overseas for a few weeks, I was hit with the sudden realization that, I am alone. I needed to learn how to cope with negative emotions urgently.
This June, I shall look forward to doing therapeutic things such as reading, writing, cleaning, art and journaling. This is the first time in years, being in Singapore in June. June was usually dedicated to travelling but perhaps, there is a greater reason for me to stay here, one that is not known to me yet. But I have chosen to trust in His plan.
Photo taken in Tunnel Beach, Dunedin New Zealand in December 2015.
As someone who has gone through depression and anxiety throughout most of my teenage years and early adult life, I completely understand. I know that words might not mean much, but things do get better.There will be days when you feel at your worst, but there will also be days when you feel.. quite okay. Live for those moments. Take things one day at a time. Slowly but surely, the good days will come by more often.
Thank you for your kind words. 😙