Moving two hearts

I was simply browsing through my facebook newsfeed the other day because apparently someone tagged me at one of the cat videos. I rarely go to facebook nowadays. When facebook was new, I was excited, constantly checking it to see how everyone was doing in life. It was a good platform for us to keep in touch. It was also a good place to rant. Sometimes, when I write what was really on my mind, I would receive comforting words and virtual hugs. It was always nice to read those.

Since then, facebook has evolved. More and more people created accounts and suddenly I was receiving friend requests from long lost classmates and colleagues. Being naive, I still thought it was a good thing. I mean, you never know when you will collaborate and get together again right?

However, I failed to predict what was about to happen. My newsfeed started to be filled with photos from weddings, baby showers and holiday photos. Of course I was happy to see my friends with their new husbands and having children, but after a while, it became a culture. It was a culture to quickly find someone so you can show them off on facebook,  it was a culture to display photos of your lavish wedding, it was culture to display photos of your cute babies.

Perhaps your intentions were to share the photos and good news to your friends and families but to the rest of us, it became a life expectancy. Suddenly, not having all these was unacceptable. Suddenly, not having all of these means that there was something wrong with me. I get asked a lot of times on when I was going to settle down.

If I received a dollar each time someone ask me this question, I would have been rich by now. Sometimes I really wonder why people ask me this question. Did they think that I was going to be a runaway bride or elope with someone? Were they worried that they will not get to attend my imaginary wedding?

Seriously, of all the questions in the world, couldn’t they have asked about my health? Couldn’t they ask about my family or my job? Yes, I have injured my knees and heels a few times in the past few years and was even wheeled into the AE and E room. I had to limp around work for a few weeks and not having lift at work was not helping. I lost so much weight and had to change my entire wardrobe. Then, I gained back some weight and had to change my entire wardrobe again. I have done some amazing things at work that I never imagined I could. I spoke in front of hundreds of people and shared about my passion and I still get butterflies in my tummy thinking about it today.

If anyone cares, that was how life was life for the past few years.

Yet, they only question they ask me is “Are you married?” and when I answered ‘No’, they never fail to give me that annoying judging look.

Let me enlighten you that I have been having the best relationship for the past few years. With myself. I spent a huge chunk of my teenage life and early adulthood not liking anything about myself. A few years ago, I started to change all that. I signed up with the gym and started to get healthy. In the process, I discovered my love for dance and this love of mine has continued till today.

I have never accepted myself fully, only until recently. It is not exactly easy to look into mirror and like what you see. I am always working on that. I blame society for influencing me in my definition of ‘pretty’. Somehow, I was not enough. I had to become more….

I still do struggle with these now but I have learnt to ignore hurtful comments that come my way. Who says I have to settle down? Why settle down?? I don’t understand why people view marriage as settling down.

I view marriage as a new adventure. For this adventure that will last for the rest of my life, I need someone I have chemistry with, share the same passion with and someone whom I can trust. I cannot go onto this adventure with simply anyone. I cannot take the risk. I cannot and will not settle for anyone.

All I can do now is to trust God’s timing. All I need from you is to trust me.

Through all the conversations I had with myself, I subconsciously created this as a therapy for myself.  It helps me to maintain my sanity.

As I watch life evolves around me, I understand a little better on why I am here.

I am the silent observer and you are the main cast.

To all the people who thinks that life still revolves around facebook, please, get a freaking life and leave me alone.

Photo taken in Tioman Island, March 2015.