This is not my punishment.

‘To all those suffering from sadness or depression, know that it isn’t your fault. It isn’t because you are weak. It isn’t because you are not grateful enough. It isn’t because you’re just not religious enough. It isn’t because you didn’t have enough faith. It isn’t because God is angry with you. To all the well-meaning people who tell you this, just smile and know deep in your heart that the tests of God comes in different forms for different people. And know that by the help of God, every test can become a tool to get closer to Him. And that, verily with every hardship comes ease – and like all things of this world, this too shall pass.’ – Repost from ‘weareislam’ instagram

When I read this for the first time on instagram, it spoke to me. It really shot me right to the heart. Subconsciously, I have been wondering these same thoughts. Am I being punished? Am I not religious enough? Is it me? All these bad things happening to me, is it my fault?

All these questions lingering around in my head was slowly destroying me as a self esteem. I look around and observe others. I reflect a lot on my words and actions. I am constantly thinking. My curious mind doesn’t stop talking. Sometimes I may appear zoned out and quiet, but my mind kept going on and on. Its exhausting at times, which was why I resorted to writing. I didn’t think anyone would be free enough to hear me talk about everything in my head.

It is actually difficult to get myself out from blaming myself over everything. Like you, I want the same things but perhaps my path has been a bit different. The path has been long, tough and most of the time I feel like I am heading towards the wrong direction. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever reach my destination. When people around ask me to hurry up, and kept probing me on what is taking so long, I get annoyed. I am doing my best, what else can I do? I can’t sit and mourn.

So the world and the naysayers continues to judge. I have learnt not to care but imagine the same harsh words being thrown over and over at me over and over again. It is difficult to reverse the damages done. I keep telling myself otherwise with the hopes that I will fee better but sometimes……….I don’t.

Therefore the best next thing is to look for a distraction. A good show, good music, good book, hearty conversations with friends, I needed to constantly remind myself of the good blessings that had already been bestowed onto me. I needed to be thankful on what I have and stop feeling bad about what I didn’t have.

This is my test, and my test is different from yours. I hope you will ace your test as much as I hope I will ace mine. But in case you don’t, I empathize with you. Let me give you a hug to at least comfort you. In return, that is all I hope from you too.

Photo taken in Tioman Island Malaysia, March 2015.