The one with the self esteem

In the midst of preparing for PSG and self esteem workshop, I realised that I had to work on my own issues with regards to self esteem.

In the past week, I have seen children who are depressed, and they tend to say words that would throw me off. Sometimes, I am too shocked by the response I get that I do not really know how to respond because, frankly I do have almost the same thoughts as them.

Not being good enough, not pretty enough, not healthy enough, not smart enough, its like living a life second to everyone else. When I was younger, I thought it was normal to feel this way but as I read more and learn more as I grow up, I was hit by the harsh reality. I do have a problem.

I had low self esteem too.

Imagine looking into the mirror and not liking what you see. Its a disaster. I was living in misery and depression during my teenage years and it spilled over to early adult hood. Horrible is when there is no one to talk about this with. I basically hid behind everyone’s shadows and hope life will speed past me quickly.

Thankfully, through some miracle, I was able to bring myself out of the bottomless pit I was in. I did not know I needed help with my depression, but I knew I had to change. Change everything. Turned my life around. It was an intrinsic decision, I had to rely on the microscopic faith that I had within me.

Now, 10 years later, I am finally able to say that I am happy. I am happy with how my life turned out, all thanks to the choices and decisions that I made. Was it hard? Hell yes. On some days I felt like slashing my wrist and end it all. I didn’t think anyone knew in detail the agony I went through. I never told anyone. Well, no one really asked and this topic was not exactly a conversation starter.

Looking back, wasn’t that the problem? No one asked. No one cared enough to ask how was my day back then. And so everything was bottled and shut away, with me partially hoping that it will all go away.

But it didn’t. I had to take action.

So, now when you see my smile, know that behind it, lies a river of tears, dried and abandoned. I left it behind in search for my own happiness and after a long journey, I finally discovered that I needed to change my thinking.

I needed to like me first.

And I did.

Therefore, I am not bothered that you do not ask me how my day was. I am not bothered if you do not like me, for whatever petty reasons you come up with. Its beyond my control. You will not make me feel small and you will not make me feel like I am not good enough.

You will not make me feel sad about myself. Not anymore.

I like me.

That’s all that matters.

Photo taken in Turi Beach Resort, Batam Indonesia in June 2011.